its a blessed day....

Today is shu fen bufday...she is turning 21st ... i think dis is the hardest bufday to plan oso..even thou its last minute plan but can say its a 80% success..hehehe...i say its hard bcoz at 1st she ordy plan her bufday that she buy this buy dat...but than we oso lie to her that some of our frens cant come..then she start to "ngam charm" n can see she like sad2 ordy but yeah we wan her feel dat way..hahaha...so bad o us..hehehe...

but then we just scare its too late ordy coz mun oso need back home fast2 so we keep calling them alice, josephine , eddie n lucy....n finally they come n then we juz hope all goes well...on the process...lighter pula the problem...(aiyo)..so we borrow from one of the guy there but soi pula..ada ka no gas the lighter...(haiz)...so after dat one of the guy (worker there oso) help us light the candle...then we rush to the one of the band there..( kebetulan is there..how lucky is us..hehe) then we ask request to play the bufday song..thanks to them our plan more success...then we call shu fen from behind there, coz mun wan charge hp..!! haha...so we call them both to the band there n SURPRISE...!!!! yeahhhh...!!!! hehehehe...

After the whole surprise thing ...we find a seat and then call drink n food n oso eat the cake...we oso gave some to share wit the band coz thanks for their help..hehehe...so all we do is snap snap n snap some more...almost 9:30pm we hav to leave the place coz mun2 hav to go home...hehehe...so b4 we go we still didi snap some picture...after finish snaping, we all go our own way ..say bye2 to mun n shufen...so we follow eddie car to go home...but then we change plan ...we go n take picture at warisan n water front again...hahaha..sot2 de we...at 10pm we oso have to go home n ngam2 oso our camera finish battery...(haiz..!!!) hahaha..but ok la...many picture oso ordy we take..hehehehe....

On the way go home, we ask eddie to make loud the song..hehe..(so missed the day we did it b4) ...so we sang in the car n shout2..hahaha...then we all reach our home...so we say bye2 when josephine 1st kena send home then me....

The blessed thing is, may b its gud oso that me n josephine is communicate wit each other ordy but let the time do his job...so this is my story..hehehe...now me wan to sleep ordy...so sleepy...nite2 all...thats all for now...n Happy Bufday Shu fen...!!!! hehehe....

not a big deal but juz a big matter..?

hmm...actually i juz dunno wat is went wrong wit me...but today i juz not in the total mood to do anything...juz feel so depressed with everything...to think of many thing dat happen in my life for the whole year is juz a tragic...well..dis year is really juz not goin so well for me...i juz dunno wat went wrong but may b i put the hope to high till i cant reach then i fell to the ground...

wat to b done nex is juz unpredictable...i juz cant think of any solution or a way for me to get tru it..so i kinda feel happy coz dis year is soon goona end..but i juz dunno either for the nex year shuld b a joy or not..i juz cant feel the happiness that people feel...i juz feel like nothing for the future that come...is it my heart has gone..? i also dunno if i will find it again or not...but for sure it will b gone for a very long time...

last christmas , i juz dint feel to celebrate it..but dis year..i cant wait for it to come..but at the same time...the sorrow is still covering my joyous ....shuld i left it or handle it..?? i dunno too...coz i'm not dat such "strong" person anymore...i juz dint hav the courage to handle all that happen in my life..if can..i juz wan to end all of it...but i cant....i dint have the spirit to fight it anymore....i juz feel so empty all for sudden in my life...n i noe..there is nothing can cover it........................

December Soon Meets January....

Wow...! Juz cant believe that its already the last month for the whole year n soon gonna ready for a whole new year again....but will it bring any differences if the year is changing..may b our age, our working place, our studies future...but then our life will still b the same...not the same as b4 but we juz a human that cant change into anything dramatic ...we juz can live in this world till the day our life ended....

but then, we cant change the way we are, but we can change the way how we live but i noe its not easy...its gonna take a life time to took the chance to have it ....so, this year will soon end n the life of my 20th years living in this world also gonna soon end but not end like dying...but end means to the nex stage...i dunno if i'm ready for it yet but i noe its not gonna bring any differences..or may b i'm refuse to take the changes...or juz not likely to take such huge changes in life...but i noe i have to be ready for anything...

nyways...this the month of celebration, christmas n new year is together in a month its a big, huge n really a joyous month that we need to celebrate...

Yeepiee...!!!!

2 month left , so wat really gonna happen next year, n the year after....but the thing is...I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR TO COME...IT SUCH AN IMPORTANT YEAR..!!!! haha..ok not dat i'm gonna go n dress my self in wedding gowns...but it juz sumthing dat i really can feel it a gud year...hahahaha..cant wait..!!!!

O god..hope nex year will b a reality...hehehehe...wuah..such an excitement in me now....hahahaha

Haiz..

Hmm...Today is Halloween Nite but i juz stay at home..well, all my life i haven join any halloween party but guessing dat nex year will sure gonna attend it..coz i wan to try too..hehehe....my parents go back to hometown again..so my bro is back home to accompany me..but then this house really feel so empty..or may b my self feel empty..well..i juz dunno wat to write anymore..good day everyone..!!!

Yeah...!!!

Ok i juz wan to share sumthing...today i juz saw my post is already 20 post but then after i write n post this one..it will b 21...hmm..but nevermind..this is like only reminder..so this is not counted..hahahaha...coz i say so...hehehehe...ok..i only wan to tell this..bye2...

What a "Great" Morning!!!!

Ok..when i say "Great" is not really that great n not even great at all...ok so..i start my day by waking up n take my shower...so after that i clean the dinning table by cleaning those last nite left over to b washed...n after that i go clean my cat cages at outside..coz u noe cat..they really done a "mess" after they eat...but this ok la...not really make me really "burn" my head in the morning...after dat...the time i cleaning it..i realize one of my cat has died...n ya of coz i'm sad..but thats not the point too...so i call my little bro to help me burried it...i call for so many time like hell he dint care at all..but when he ask me to help him wash his cloth...i did..).but still on the washing machine...)

So..wat i did is i go to see where he watch the TV..! huh...like wat the fuck man...he pretend to sleep..than this is the time the fire is getting hotter...then i say la if u ask my help i do but bla bla bla..then only he wan to help..but that time..i dun even care at all ...so i do all by my self to buried my cat "short tail" ya his name is short tail...bcoz his tail is short..hehe..cute cat..but may b not his luck to live right..b4 this he also dont really eat his meal..even we try so many food to gave him..@(...ok..so i finish buried my cat then i wash my hand and leg ..aarr..this is wat i do...i take out my cloth that i mix wit his(my stupid little bro) cloth to be rinsed n dry ...n i juz left his cloth at the machine..HAHAHA...do i care..??? No...!!! hahahahaha...

Not finish yet...so i washed some dishes again..the mess that they gave after cooking the breakfast ...(eerrrggg...so dirty...cant they clean up a bit) so then i notice one of the chopstick is broke (patah la) so with anger i ask..who the hell break the thing ..( bha pandai2 la rasa bersalah tu ar) ..then i juz finish wash n do my breakfast n go back to my room n eat there..(nah..puas hati saya) n make the music to full volume...n i saw the time is already at noon...wow ...so great..breakfast at noon..its LUNCH time lo...but i juz eat it la..so make it as my lunch too..heheheh...so only this for now..haiz..my anger also already kinda slowly getting "cooler" hehehe...daaaa

Hallo2...

Well juz kinda bored bcoz waiting for my movie to finish download..ya i'm doin those piracy thing...but who care..i juz dint hav the time or manage to go watch the movie in theater...i'm not like u la k..so many time..! ok2..cool down 1st..hehe..

So, i'm downloading dis 4/5 movie..hmm..forgot how many actually..(actually i can go refer but duh..its me..) ..so i have waited and waited...and waited so long..the download speed dint move...so i juz say like..wat the..!!! so i'm click the force download hoping it will move a bit..but still..no change..so i juz leave it there n now i'm here blogging...hehehe...well..juz let it go by its own la kan...hmm..so kinda miss my two fren dat are may b chit-chat'ing at their room now...or may b sleeping ..coz they gonna start like at 6/7 in the morning if not wrong..so god bless them again 2mrw..hehe...

Totaly i can see how many crappy thing i wrote already...so i'm gonna stop again for now..see ya nex time..hehehehe...

Cant Stop..!!

Ya its me again..hehehe..i juz cannot stop write sumthing today..feel like so many want to tell..hehe..hmm...well juz finish taking my shower..ya i noe..its almost like wat the hell..so late..but its better than b4 thou..b4 like almost everyday will take my shower at midnight or after midnight...hehehe...but now already change my habit a bit la..

So.. wat i actually wan to say is...hmm..nothin...hehehe..well 2mrw my mom n dad gonna sent my grandma back to hometown dat is at Tenom...and plus more my sis gonna go to Sandakan for outstation ya..bcoz of the Voting thing...then left me n my younger bro..hehe..my Ban Ban..miss my little bro so much...now he will only back home when he is off...so not owes gonna meet him...but 2mrw he off day so he will b accompany me at home..

Haiz..then today morning i go for this interview at this XXXX hotel...kinda sucks n the worst interview ever...the boss is very LC...haiz..shit la..hope ur hotel gonna bankrupt soon.. !!!!!!

Then i got go fill form for one company again..hope i get it..i juz wan to learn more but y some of them cant give me the opportunity..haiz..

Ok ..so 2mrw i juz feel like wanna go watch movie but my two dis sot2 fren go CLIMBATHON...hahaha..can u believe it...they actually go there o...haiz..kinda sad coz cant follow them but i set my mind to go nex time...hehehe...to Shu Fen n Alice...hope u guys ok at there...take care n may god bless u two...amen..~~

Hmm..then about 2mrw plan i still dint noe wat to do...gonna plan it or may b 70% is juz gonna stay at home...n Now i'm chit chat with my fren at msn, eddie...hehehe..this is my 38 fren oso...sot2 fren can say..hehe..so..juz dis for now..gonna continue chat wit him now..daaaa...

We All Do...

I Admit That I Cant Change It Now..But I Just Hoping That We Never Knew Each Other From The Beginning But Then Its How I Can Know What People Are Like Right..? It Will Never Work Out The Way We Wanted It To Be Anymore...It Just A Mistake That I Have Choose May Be to Live Like This...I Cant Reverse It..But We Do Need Someone By Our Side To Hear All Our Sad Story..Sad To Say, You Never Understand...How I Wanted Live To Be...

I Do Not Know If I Can Survive For How Many Years To Come..Hope There Is Something That Can Change How I See It..But I Will Never Be The Same....

Not Wish To..

The truth is i dun hav any best frens...but i juz hav a trusted fren...i cant say which one is my best and which are not...i love all my frens but juz one thing can make me lost contact or juz hav to not b fren with them anymore..TRUST.... i hate to say this but actually i noe who can be trust n who are not...but as long as they dint LIE to me..n LIE in a very indescribable or without any reason...then its hard for me to b fren with them anymore...

For me is really hard to find who truly understand u, y u do dat certain thing n y u dint ....i noe not everyone can understand u but at least can care for u feel will do rite...there is one of my fren we hav an argue b4 say that i dun care for my fren n i juz care for my self...well actually i not dint care for u all but past has brought me who i become today...i juz can trust anyone anymore..n not only past..on present life now also dint happen some bad thing in my life...i not the kind of frens that will show the world HOW MUCH I CARE FOR U ALL...but if u really need me..sure i will b there for u..but if u wan to make fun the frenship we build than its useless to keep say sorry and b fren again..

Its a silly thing huh...i noe it such a drama for some people to say y i wrote dis..but i dun even care..coz its the only way i need to express how i feel now...may b the frendship is not truly gone forever...yes in the past i have some misunderstanding with my high school fren n actually till now i dun noe wat i hav done wrong till we dint talk for quite some time...but after awhile..we b fren together..but not as close as b4..( sorry kepada sesiap yg terlibat..hanya untuk contoh saja ..hehehehe...)

But let me clear dis thing about me..if i really did sumthing wrong then i will surely apologize to that person..but if i'm the one who b blame n of coz..the one who made many wrong still make dunno ..then sorry to tell that dis fren is not worth for me to care...

hAve no idEa...

wat hav gone wrong..i dunno...did we go the wrong direction, do we need to turn back and have a return..but can we..??

lately my self i think have change quit a lot...juz to more haters person...cant blame anyone but who's to blame then..?? i juz cant figure out wat happen to my life..i try to change but i think i keep changing to more unpredictable person too..i cant understand myself anymore..the more i wan to noe, the more i brought myself into unknown world...trying to back to my old world too but there is sumthing wrong wit it too..so wat shuld i do...keep moving on, turn back time or stay the same..only two ways i can go now...of coz we cant turn back time so, we juz need to moving on and stay the same..but this two also owes bring a disaster in us..haiz..

juz wish i have someone or sumthing to tell me to go for the right direction...but it juz like living inside a disney world..because in reality, there are no such thing as perfection...huhu..my life..really2 haiz....juz sumtime cry on my sleep because of too tired hearing, living the life...i cant hold or even stop...because this is life..but when will it end..???

happy..???

happy for awhile, sad for whole life....ya dats life...

never tot that ppl can b so depressed in life for such small prob they get in life...laugh still laugh but the laugh will owes be conquer by the tears..tears will owes win...

haiz...actually dunno wat to write in this blog anymore...wan to write but juz cant made it to b a word...i juz cant really let my feeling out anymore..to this blog, to my fren or even to my family..i juz cant...

start over again..

again..!! never stop saying to our self that we will start over our life again..start a new life...but its not true...we never do, we juz move on, our life still the same...hmm....talking crap again..

so october is here again..n left only 3 more month to end this year...but still i din achieve anything in my life, juz finish study, finish my practical n now searching for job..but then my life still the same...never change...may b some of my frens ordy have a new life...a thing dat concern them now...but me...still here standing all alone never leave...i juz hope sumthing big come to me...so dat i can a grown up...ya i noe...i'm like a child that never been exposed to anything...but actually i'm not...n i'm not gud person too...i'm juz a normal gal that hav made mistake in life..do some stupid thing in life...

i juz wan to do things rite for once more but i cant..sorry coz i cannot do anything to change my life to b a better person...i noe...i become more unpredictable than before..but i juz cant help it...all that happen in my life juz totally change me...change wat i feel to this world...some say thios world is cruel..some say it juz to teach us how to live long in here..but y life cant b as simple as we wan it to b...WHY IT CANT..!!!! i juz dun wan to thing anything rite now about others anymore...i juz wan to live my life..but it juz aint that easy...talk is easy but action is hard...that is totally rite..

nothing i can do anymore ...

its been awhile now...n my practical oso will end soon...juz still waiting for sumthing but i guess its not gonna happen that soon..haha..may b i am too imagine sumthing o...haiz...

ciana oh ciana..u ordy 20 o...not kid anymore..cannot owes hav wat u wish for...huhu..cannt owes think dat dis world is like fantasy o...u living in a real world now..getting older each day...so juz dun owes dreaming o...stay real...hehehe...

its not easy...

writing on this blog again..only dis way i can express my feeling now...

haiz...i really not like others of my sibling..i cant express o share anything wit my parents..dunno y but its juz seem hard for me to do so..may b coz i'm too stubborn but y it so easy for my sis or bro to do so...i juz feel like so stress inside this house...cant do anything dat show the real me..

of coz.i am a gal n cannt owes go home late..but i'm saying sorry for i cant b perfect..y u hav to care wat ppl say towards u..u so care them talk bad bout this family..well plz mind their own business la..1 thing is..not all gud or so loyal child will b gud behind their back too...this is me..i cant help to change my self to juz b gud daughter..i juz really feel so stress everytime u call me or ask me..y i cant b wit my fren..i'm not small anymore..if u really dun wan us noe how to go out or wherever u dun wish for..n owes wanna us to stay at home..y not from small juz tie our leg or kept us inside a cage...its gud that way rather than now we owes disobey u...

but sorry...i really cannot n will not change my self ...dats y we dint understand each others..coz u never try to understand me..when i tell the true..u juz dint believe..n owes will questioning me without knowing the true...n dats really make me dun wan to explain a thing to you ody...well..dats y me owes keep my mouth shut when i was at home..coz ...i really cannt talk wit u...juz cannt..even i try..u will owes show ur face that seems dun wan to listen..n dat make me more..haiz..well...juz hope i can get a better job o may b will owes outstation n not gonna b aroung u two..so dats can make me feel calm...i juz really cannt feel calm at home..sorry..yes u two had given me alot...may b dats y i oso dint like coz ..after u give it to me..then u will talk back later..i juz dint like dat way...i'm really sorry if cant b the perfect daughter...

so far...

yesterday i hang out wit my fren..we go to picnic then plan2 go to water world there but last2 end up at tg aru..hahaha..its so funny actually..never tot that we will doin all those thing again...well never do it b4..hehehe..but it might b our last day n time to hang out like dat ...some of our fren cant join bcoz they also hav their own reason..althou yesterday is a tiring day n many thing dat we wan do cannot b unleashed but at least we hav fun n enjoy our day...its not wat we are expected too...hehee...

well..nex week will b start doin our practical...hehe...n sure not gonna hav free time doin those crazy thing again..well...for me..i hav chosen my own course wat to study, n now where to do my practical..but dunno how is my future thou...i hope i oso can find the working place on my own...but so far..hope all thing will still going smoothly ...hope my practical will give me more than i expected...

.....

dunno wat to think anymore..haiz...shul i go for it..y there is no 1 that will noe my future come n tell me wat shuld i do....??..so not in the mood rite now...god..plz lead me..

Be My Friends 4ever..~~

finally..=(

well..the day has past without giving us the second chance to do it again..so greedy of me..but i'm human so i cant help to hav a second chance..not wan other chance but juz give me the chance to do go tru the nite again..but its impossible..

the nite has over wit so much fun, even there is a tears in the end..but its was the tears of love..i luv them all..wish that we will never b apart..but if we dun, then how to move on..silly of me , noe to explain this but the fact is i haven wanna let go...really couldnt let go but i will try, coz i hav to move on too..guys...u all has given me such a wonderfull memories in this 2 years even we hav tears and laughter along our journey, but it wat life goes, without those two, our life is not call life..i noe in every frendship owes hav up n down, juz like in everything dat we do, we cant avoid it coz it will owes there to come n destroy us, but its up to us whether to take it as a huge issues or can juz forgive like dat...many of us will never forgive but if we dont, we cant move on wit our life.

may b coz we have spend our time so much gud n crazy time together..n that make me feel a bit sad coz i noe after dis, there will not gonna have a 18,19 n 20 yrs old gonna be repeated for us to do all over again...we all will grown up..after tis, will start making new frens again...but i noe, it will not be the same again...our frendship is the unique one i hav ever had...yes , we hav our own opinion now, but hope thats not gonna stop us from being frends...hope all those misunderstood will make us more tight that ever..i really wish that..GB us all...

i like to be wit u guys coz i like to hav fun n hate being alone at home..i enjoy last nite even thou it will be the last nite we all meet like that in a huge group..last nite can direct go home but i want to spend the last time wit u guys at the hotel, dats y even juz 1 nite, i will never trow it away juz like dat, may b not owes like dat so dats y i dun wan to trow away last nite opportunities, but of coz we cant stop the time n now we ody go on our own...some will start working soon, may b far away...but hope the frendship is not gonna break..luv u all so mucchhh...thanks for being patient wit me all this time...

OMG...i think entering college life hav turn me to so emo person..haiz..but from there i hav learn a lot..hav grown from my childishness from high skul that owes think life is so easy, but now its not..i noe that..

in the future..i will not forget the past...will owes remember it coz this past two years giving me a big effect in emotional...luv u guys...dun forget our reunion..it somewhere in the future..juz save a day of ur time to attend it..i will do it..sure gonna make it..hope will success..

owes remember till i die...

today is the last day for me as a student and also my age has turn to 20..i'm sad but happy oso coz today is sure not gonna be forget by me..all bcoz of my fren surprise that really make me happy but really touching too...thanks guys..i noe i'm not a gud fren but thanks for bein my frens...

on the 8 may will be our second anniversary as friends..never forget the day we met and the day we apart...we apart doesnt mean we not gonna meet again but its for us to hav a new starter in our life...guys me really grate full coz got u all as frens..bcoz from the day i noe u all..i hav grown and become more understand to the outside world, i hav become so aware bcoz from u all , u all hav teach me the meaning of life n how to go tru the life even in the most harder situation ever...

we hav go tru many challenge in life..we hav known each other for 2 yrs now, i noe may b for us its not enuf to noe each other but there will owes time for us to get noe each other back..there owes a chance for us to bring back all the happiness and the sadness.. the past sure not really gonna make us happy in future but without the past, we will not be like dis, as we standing now..we juz need to noe how to handle it so it will not influence our life...

guys..i dint expect anything from u all..i juz wan our frendship never end and never be broke by sumthing that is juz a small2 thing....so all i hope is, we all remember each other..some of us has change but we cant do anything, they hav gone so far till we cant pull them back..but the remain i hope will owes stick together...haiz...i not ready to leave but hav to, we all hav to move on...gonna miss all the time that we spent together at kcc, cp, wisma merdeka(seaview,6 floor, old food court) pak non, blue ginger, bobacha,suria,gaya street, 1b ..n many2 place that we have been...love u all so much...thanks for everything in this past 2 years....^^

huh..!!

heard many story, say many thing, which 1 shuld i trust, wat shuld i say anymore, my mouth is tired keep saying.. gossiping is hard thing to do actually, knowing sumthing is hard to deal, bcoz its make u think..

huh..dunno wat to do anymore..i juz wish b like b4 but hard to do coz i ody saw the situation, not all wan to cooperate to do so, many unsolved thing between us, juz if every1 say the truth then i think will not create such probz..huh..miss u all, i wan my 18 years life back...GIVE IT BACK TO ME PLZ..!!!..all so happy, i hav nothin to worry about, haiz..now..will finish study, gonna go work soon...but i not ready for it, may b its to sudden but if not now, when will i.. i mus face it too..i noe i must grown up, cannot be my sis little sister forever, cannot be my mom little gal anymore, i must hav my own life ody...

haiz..college probz is juz the beginning but after this will be the story of my life...

is it wrong..??

haiz..i dunno wat shuld i say anymore..am i changing in a good or bad way..? i juz hard to explain n find the answer for my self..haiz....i juz noe that i'm not a gud n bad person either..if u wan to say i'm bad oso can..coz i really dun care anymore,my fren there are still exist but are they the one that has change or me, or all still the same but days to days ppl will show wat they are? hav u show ur true color? haiz..for a reason i wan to cry but for some reason again wat for i cry..? i juz wan to let my feeling out but still i wish i could cry like the heavy rain..!@.o?

i dunno how to explain in word how i feel now, i wan to say it but it juz wont come out coz juz dunno wat to say, not that i not become me but every minutes of my life i observe n found out dat my life cannot be too straight, at first honest is in my dictionary of life, but the more i grew in this cruel world, i realize that there is no honesty too live..not up to 1o% of ppl will say the truth about them self..may b juz 1% of ppl in this world can say the truth, but the rest is juz a lie..=(

i juz cannot understand y ppl cannot say the truth, may b its hard but keep lying will make all problem more worse, if juz can say it, better do coz all the thing become more complicated now..haiz..

i hav so many thing in my mind now, juz too many till i sometime wanna shout out loud or hit sumthing or sumone.. i juz too pissed of to sumthing dat if u noe sumthing juz say it, dun hide it, ...n am i crazy coz wan to care for it or my fren...y am i the type that care so much..and now i juz noe that there are person that exist that dun care bout their fren but wan ppl care for them, tell me if i'm wrong coz, care still care but the care is like juz wanted to become fren not really care dat type...i juz couldnt explain bout this type of person..may b i think too much but..hope in future he matureness will come...

haiz..c ..ody say lo mix2 ..haiz..dunno wat the crap i'm talking bout but this is wat i feel now...

nothin in mind

juz wanna write sumthing but dunno wat...hmm..well..i juz wanna say..now i feel like making a fool of my self..haiz..waiting for sumthing dat will not come..

wondering??

is it every family have their ups n down..?? juz wan to noe...i feel like wanna run away from here..wat shuld i do..cannot wait any longer to have a job n have my own pay check so i can hav my own house, car n everything..i juz cannot live like dis ody..i'm tired..sumtimes i envy my sis coz she dun hav to see all dis...its gud to live alone than owes fight fight fight!!!...haiz...

y ..??

y i feel like not in the mood..cannot sit still..juz got so many thing in my mind...but i dun even think of a thing..wat happen to me...feels like wanna do sumthing right now..i keep remember all the trip that i've been ....i miss my life...i mean my past wit my friends..i miss u all so much...y we all like dis..